Post Script

Compared to Toxteth or Brixton it wasn’t much of a riot but for a bunch of pensioners it was quite impressive.

We spent Friday Morning on a coach tour. It was cold and rainy which in Montreal passes for a nice day. The Mawls (Canadian for shopping centres) are underground to avoid the winter snow and the summer humidity. They are all linked together and connected to the underground railway system. Montreal has a lousy climate, but it’s a good place to be in a Nuclear Holocaust.

In the afternoon, coaches took all the passengers who couldn’t afford the whole 40 day cruise or as we put it ‘had other commitments’ to the airport. International aviation regulations require that airport departures (and security) facilities are only half as big as necessary to allow space for duty free shops. The coaches parked next to a wall and a narrow strip of pavement that was wide enough for the luggage or the passengers but not both at the same time. After some good natured violence we retrieved our cases and joined one of the three queues that had formed in front of the three Fred Olsen check-in desks.

When the queues were nice and long, two check-in girls arrived and informed us that we weren’t allowed to queue in such a scruffy Anglo Saxon way. They insisted on erecting one of those chrome post and tape mazes that would allow us to queue in a stylish French way. We all shuffled backwards into a heaving muttering mass and watched the maze zigzag towards us. Everyone had the same unspoken thought – “where will the new entrance be?”

For those without hearing impairment the click of the last tape in the last post acted like a starting gun. The two check in girls fled for the safety of their desks. The stampede for the new entrance was started by the ones who had been first in the original queues and now faced the unacceptable prospect of being last. Armoured columns pushing luggage trolleys fought with light infantry pulling wheeled suitcases. Walking sticks were wielded by disabled passengers who would have preferred their own parastampede.

When the dust and talcum powder finally settled we found ourselves towards the front of the queue with only minor bruising. Thanks Fred for a memorable end to a memorable holiday.

Dave x

Quebec, Thursday 8th October

I woke before seven, and went out onto the balcony to watch the sun rise. Yes, it's stopped raining at last!

Quebec is a beautiful place. We spent the morning walking round the cobbled streets of the old town, with me wishing that I had some girlfriends with me to enjoy the delightful craft shops. Dave did his best, but he's not the world's best shopper.

We had to get back to the ship at lunchtime as we were booked on a guided walking tour in the afternoon, which took us to most of the places we'd seen in the morning - but it was worth doing as we were told a lot about the history of the place. The tour ended with afternoon tea at Chateau Frontenac, a massive copper roofed old railway hotel (600 bedrooms, French chateau style) which stands on top of the cliffs dominating the town. Just what we needed of course, two cream cakes each, plus a slice of almond cake and two chocolates!

Tomorrow morning we'll be in Montreal where we have a tour of the city in the morning and then will be driven to the airport for the journey home. So this is it - see you all soon!

Janet xx

Wednesday 7th October (I think)

Just a quick one. We've been sailing down the St Lawrence Seaway and Sagenay(sp?) River today, doing not much more than admire the scenery and watch for whales. And yes, we've seen plenty. Honest, cross my heart and hope to die!

The weather hasn't been at all kind to us, in fact about an hour ago there were ice crystals in amongst the rain drops. We had a surreal minute or two up on the top deck, muffled up in full wet weather gear, clutching mugs of mulled wine as the ship passed a statue of the Virgin Mary high on the rocky cliffs, to the sound of 'Ave Maria' blasting from the ship's tannoy! One of those 'We won't forget this' moments!

Anyway, despite the lack of sunshine, we've had a fab time and will be sad to leave the ship on Friday. (And yes Julie, I have been to enquire about staying on, but no balcony cabins are available, so we've decided to come home.)

So... see you all soon,
Love
Janet
xx

Welcome to Canada

There was a band waiting for us on the quayside when we arrived at Corner Brook, Newfoundland. At first I thought it was a marching band but they were just stamping their feet to keep warm.

Corner Brook is a one moose town. It is the sort of place that Canadians spend their formative years trying to get out of. Maybe when the sun sets over the steaming paper mill it has a kind of beauty but we saw it on a rainy morning. Still, we found a nice wetland park. It was quite isolated so I didn't tell Janet about the notice that advertised the "frequent police patrols" until later.

Gaspe was bigger and had its own Macdonalds. It also had a very nicely designed Cathedral built entirely of wood. Gaspe sits at the end of a bay surrounded by low wooded hills and the leaves have just turned a beautiful gold and red. We had plenty of time to appreciate the view because the Entertainments Officer got the ship's time wrong and everyone got up an hour early. Some of the passengers presented him with a travel clock after the evening show.


A Nobel Prize?

Unfortunately Gaspe had to be reached by tender. Ever since the time I boarded my first tender I have been trying to think of a way to prevent these occasions becoming the total cock-ups they usually are.

I've finaly done it and I am going to write a paper and circulate it to all the cruise lines. It's a revolutionary mathematical model that could change things for ever. I've simplified it by cutting out some minor variables and I am sure that, given enough time, most Entertainments Officers could be trained to use it.

((Number of passengers) / ((tender capacity) x (tender numbers))) x (round trip time) / 2 = Curran's Constant

If Curran's Constant >1 then a significant number of passengers will get pissed off.

Dave x

The Balmoral Gigolos

I discovered the Fred Olsen Gigolos on last year's Braemar cruise and blogged about them at the time. These elderly gentlemen are employed by Fred to dance with unattached ladies of a certain age and beyond. (Way beyond). I don't know what their exact terms of reference are but it's fun to speculate.

On Balmoral, the theatre is also used for dancing and the stage sinks down into the floor over the crew's quarters (the Thai waiters are not very tall). We arrived early to watch the show and dancing was still in progress. "Name the Gigolos" seemed to be a good way to pass the time.
There were four of them dressed smartly in white flannels and wearing name badges just in case they forgot. After some discussion we named them Perry, Lurch, Colin and Ike.

"Perry" (Combover) was the easiest to christen. In a job where appearance matters, a wig would have helped, although better fitting teeth should have been a higher priority.

"Lurch" was tall, gaunt, and dragged one foot. The limp was a bit of a problem when he had to lead but, amazingly, he had a small group of followers - he probably reminded them of the last time they saw their late husbands. If he has to comfort any of them I hope he gives priority to qualified first aiders.

We struggled with "Colin" and we are still not happy with it but we couldn't think of a better name for a psychopath. He was the youngest of the four and his partners probably reminded him of his dead mother who he almost certainly keeps in a chest freezer back home. He was short, had two left feet (amongst his large collection of body parts) and his head darted from side to side like a lizard. His haunted look suggested he might have forgotten to switch the freezer on.

"Ike" was short for "I can't believe my luck at being employed alongside this bunch of losers". He was not particularly good looking and was not a particularly good dancer but, as Fred Olsen had set the bar spectacularly low in these areas, he was the cat anticipating shed loads of cream. He was methodically working his way through the field - determined not to be seduced by the first glimpse of an arthritic ankle. He looked, like a child at Christmas, unsure of which present to open first.

So now you know their names you can join us in a toast. Four men who are on five week mission to boldly go where no man has been for some time. Raise your glasses to - "The Balmoral Gigolos".

Dave x

Saturday 3rd and Sunday 4th October

I've been a bit quiet for a few days as I've not been able to think of much to report - all these days at sea are much the same. I've continued the daily watercolour classes, though I'm sorry to report that my skill in that department hasn't improved, and I'm also continuing to enjoy the Nintendo Wii. The nice young man who organises those sessions, DJ Mike, had intended for the group to progress through a variety of games, but having seen how inept most of us were on the virtual golf course has now reverted to the simpler Wii Ten Pin Bowling, which we play in teams of two, taking turns to 'bowl'. Names are drawn from a hat to decide who partners who, and today I struck gold and was put with Margaret, who has a Wii at home and gets a strike with every ball she bowls! So I came away victorious from this morning's session, clutching one Balmoral Prize Point (laminated)! Sadly, my voice-activated camera wasn't around to record the event - he was enjoying what will probably be his final dip in the jacuzzi. The sy's been blue today (Saturday) but there's a very cold wind, and we're told to expect rain and low temperatures once we get to Canada.

Sunday morning. Captain Me Again woke us at 8:40 with a tannoy announcement that whales were on both sides of the ship. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my fleece, and stood on the balcony for several minutes but saw nothing. :-(

Dave reckons he saw one yesterday, while I was out socialising. Mmmm, little boy wolf?

Much love to you all,
Janet
xx

p.s. I typed all this out earlier today and then failed to get an internet connection, so have done it again with my fingers crossed. The Captain has just revised his weather forecast for Corner Brook, our port of call tomorrow - he's now saying Heavy Rain and Maximum temp of 5 degrees!

Whale Watching

2nd October 2009

Regular readers of this blog will know that I spend a lot of time lying on the balcony with my nose pressed to the glass looking for whales or dolphins. The whales or dolphins are optional and I'm really just watching the sea.

I think it is possible that feelings, like brown eyes and HIV, can be passed between generations and that liking the sea is part of a race memory. We are now in the North Atlantic where the sea is colder and greyer. Here, before I was born, my father was a naval gunner on merchant convoys during the war. He was torpedoed and sunk three times. That sort of "Oh shit not again" experience can probably leave a dent in your genes.

For the next couple of days I'll be watching for the whales the Captain has promised. If, inadvertently, I start searching for periscopes, I will let you know.

Dave

p.s. I managed to get a picture of the ship that has been following us. I think it's one of those tall ships that do Duke of Edinburgh type sailing courses for young people. It's getting closer so I should soon be able to get a better view.

Wednesday, 30th September 2009

Ponta Delgarda, Azores

Janet said I have to write something true and sensible about Ponta Delgarda so this is as close as it gets.

We arrived about 11 o'clock and Captain Me Again reverse parked into the tiny harbour (nobody likes a smart-arse). It was such a nice day that I decided to go for a swim before we went ashore. It was more of a float really because the pool is filled with sea water which is very salty and buoyant. After the float I tried the Jacuzzi, which is kept at a constant temperature of 99 deg F, before jumping back into the pool for a thermal shock. Later I learned that Janet would have come swimming too if she'd had someone like Dave S* around to bully her.

We'd walked about 100 yards on shore before it started to rain so we went back for our waterproofs and brollies. It's a beautiful little town with old Portuguesy (architectural term) style buildings which we photographed against a leaden sky. The sun them came out and we started to steam in our waterproofs. We went back and photographed the buildings again against an azure blue sky.

The island is made of three volcanoes and all the paving is black basalt. It's lovely but a bit gloomy so they liven it up with white marble mosaic. The zebra crossings are all white which appropriately is the colour of death. The town with its new seafront looks very affluent and everyone seems to have nice new cars which they drive very quickly between zebra crossings. It is probably not a coincidence that the Azores ar strategically very important and have large USA and NATO air bases.

After a beer we went back to the ship for a rest with the intention of returning in the early evening, but it rained again. Then the sun came out and then it rained again. Nice place, funny climate.

Dave

Tuesday, 29th September

Weather has continued to be fine, though fairly cloudy most of the time. Whenever the sun appears, the top deck has plenty of sun-worshippers grabbing a few rays, but very few are exposing vast areas of flesh. I now know that I should have followed my instincts and not bothered to pack a bathing costume.

As I write this, on Tuesday evening, the wind has come up and it's a little choppy - and it's raining! I might need my umbrella when we land in the Azores tomorrow.

This morning I did another painting class and I went to the Wii session in the afternoon. Today we played Wii Target Golf. Jane and Dave S. watch out, I'm getting one of these amazing machines and shall be looking for people to play with! You two are prime candidates. (Jane, you said you needed a new winter hobby, well this could be just the thing!) I also managed to fit in a brisk walk around the promenade deck - 5 laps, which is well over a mile.

We've seen lots of dolphins today and the Captain announced that he's ordered whales for later in the trip, but then I don't suppose you'll believe us when we tell you we've seen them?

All for now, xx

Janet

A Bit of Excitement

Last week I finished painting the dining room. With the holiday approaching there was no point starting work on the basement swimming pool and so, one morning, I didn't have much to do. I reached across the breakfast table for the paper but Janet worries when I start reading the Daily Mail before my heart pills have kicked in. "Why don't you start your blog" she suggested "You make it up anyway."

Your nearest and dearest really know how to hurt you. I protested that, whilst I may occasionally spin a story or perhaps use slight exaggeration to emphasise a point, I would never unintentionally lie to blog followers.

We all got a bit of a shock when a giant octopus attacked the ship this morning. Captain Me Again (it makes a change from Captain Calling) told us over the PA that it probably only wanted to play and so he had sent the ship's entertainments officer to deal with it.

The octopus ate the entertainments officer to the sound of a lot of unseemly cheering from the regular Balmoral passengers. The captain announced that it might be a "gude ide-yar" (he's Norwegian) if we abandoned ship for a few "how-ars". He said that he was confident that anything with so many arms could not survive for long on a cruise ship without bacteriological hand washing gel.

Safely back on board I was glad that I had been able to get this photograph from the lifeboat. Without it, who would ever believe me.

Dave

Monday, 28th September

We gained an hour last night so, despite having stayed up until after midnight enjoying the ship's disco (!!!) , we managed to get up early enough to have breakfast in the restaurant. Until now, I've eaten very healthily, mostly fruit and vegetables, but I fell at the first hurdle today and opted for crispy fried bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs and fried bread.

Harold, I wish you'd been here today. This morning I attended a painting class! Lovely instructor, but a huge class and we were copying a black and white photocopied picture, so my end result was far from a masterpiece. However, I had to buy the set of paints, so am now equipped to be creative on the balcony, should I ever have any spare time!

I dragged Dave along to the Wii session after lunch, just to watch me make a fool of myself, and later on attended a classical concert. I know nothing about music, as you all know, but could tell the pianist was good as he did lots of twiddly bits and kept crossing his hands over. He played Bach, Beethoven and Liszt. I liked the Liszt best as it was the twiddliest, and the shortest.

We're in the North Atlantic now, and the Captain described the seas as 'moderate to rough' this morning, but we have a tail-wind which means there's still virtually no movement onboard.

Semi-formal tonight. The LBD will make its first appearance!

More soon, if we can get a satellite signal - it's very flaky and has taken us 24 hours to be able to put this one up. (if indeed it goes...!)

Love
Janet

Come Dine With Me

They were already seated when we arrived in the dining room. The two grooves in the carpet showed where he had dragged his knuckles on the way to the table. She was the sort of person generally described as 'probably having a heart of gold' by people who have given up trying to find any other redeeming features. He spoke broadly and loudly above the sound of her clearing the phlegm from her 60 a day habit.

The other people who were supposed to be on our table did not turn up. They must have peeped through the door and then called room service. Still, you should not jump to conclusions and tomorrow may bring some (extremely well) hidden surprises.

Post Script

Tomorrow, which is now yesterday, did indeed bring surprises. The other couple on our table came out of hiding and proved to be perfectly normal. I had got rid of my coach lag, and got my blood alcohol up to cruising level, and we had a very enjoyable dinner. I wanted to delete the above post but Janet said I should leave it up as a penance. Apparently I'm turning into the grumpiest old man in the world. It's good to have an ambition.

Dave. (Monday)

Sunday, 27th September 2009

Dinner last night was followed by a drink in the Observatory, which is Balmoral's equivalent to the Crow's Nest. It was a clear night, so we followed that moonbeam across a calm sea. What a perfect end to the first day of our adventure. (Though, Harold, Julie and Dave, we missed your company.)

The activities on offer on sea days are many and varied, and today I raced from one to another, barely finding time to eat in between all those that I wanted to sample.

Dave came with me to a lecture this morning, intended as an introduction to the parts of Canada we will be visiting, explaining the history and geography of the area. The theatre was full, but the lecture was disappointing and I don;t think we'll be rushing to hear Part 2 tomorrow!

As we left the theatre at noon, Balmoral entered the Bay of Biscay, but once again no need to worry, it's been very calm all day and we can feel hardly any movement wherever we are on the ship.

1pm found me in one of the lounges, with a motley group of fellow passengers, ready to sample the delights of the Nintendo Wii. Unfortunately I had arrived first (keen, you know!) so, despite being a total novice, was first 'up' to try ten pin bowling. I wasn't any good, but thoroughly enjoyed it; even watching the others play was good fun. I spent that hour chating to a couple from Rainow - she'd been to Shints, so knew Cheadle Hulme well!

Then, a quick salad (honest), and it was time to seek out the Arts and Crafts Room in the bowels of the ship for today's craft class, coiled clay pottery. All sorts of crafts will be available over the next few weeks for those making the 40 day trip, and all are paid for by Fred.

So that's it for now. Captains' Cocktail Party, and then we're off to dinner with the Royle family again. (See Dave's next blog).

Love to you all
Janet
xx

The Journey

The alarm went off at 4:50. With some reluctance I levered myself out of the perfectly Dave shaped hole I'd made in our wonderful memory foam mattress. Janet was in excited and chatty mood. I don't really do excited about going on holiday. On a good day I can manage mild anticipation but never before noon.

I don't do chatty at any time. I listened with a mixture of admiration and horror as she added the taxi driver to our Christmas card list and then collected enough information for a couple of decent biographies whilst we waited for the coach.

The coach looked very swish although the carpeted ceiling was a bit odd. A stray note on a drawing and a carelessly placed arrow and it can easily happen. Like designers everywhere the coach builder had decided to pretend it was intentional and to brazen it out by carpeting the seats as well. If the seats were made of memory foam they had Alzheimer's and could only remember when they were very young slabs of plastic. Sleep was out of the question. Avoiding the loss of a leg by circulation failure and gangrene was a far more important objective.

From our seats at the back of the coach we could see the usual sea of grey hair with pink bits but this lot seemed a bit less decrepit than normal. Not so many ordinary people trying to look posh and more posh people trying to look ordinary. Some people were reading the Guardian - not in that sneaky 'I'm a bit ashamed of my liberal tendencies' way you get on P&O cruises but more full frontal and proud.

We are of course only doing the first two weeks of a 40 day cruise across the Atlantic and down the eastern seaboard of America. It's a bit out of the ordinary and so might attract some out of the ordinary people. Janet should have the chance to chat to some really interesting characters. I think I'm beginning to feel mild anticipation.

Dave.
Saturday evening.

24th August 2009

Booked another cruise. Fred Olsen's Balmoral, sailing from Dover to Montreal on 26th September.