The Balmoral Gigolos

I discovered the Fred Olsen Gigolos on last year's Braemar cruise and blogged about them at the time. These elderly gentlemen are employed by Fred to dance with unattached ladies of a certain age and beyond. (Way beyond). I don't know what their exact terms of reference are but it's fun to speculate.

On Balmoral, the theatre is also used for dancing and the stage sinks down into the floor over the crew's quarters (the Thai waiters are not very tall). We arrived early to watch the show and dancing was still in progress. "Name the Gigolos" seemed to be a good way to pass the time.
There were four of them dressed smartly in white flannels and wearing name badges just in case they forgot. After some discussion we named them Perry, Lurch, Colin and Ike.

"Perry" (Combover) was the easiest to christen. In a job where appearance matters, a wig would have helped, although better fitting teeth should have been a higher priority.

"Lurch" was tall, gaunt, and dragged one foot. The limp was a bit of a problem when he had to lead but, amazingly, he had a small group of followers - he probably reminded them of the last time they saw their late husbands. If he has to comfort any of them I hope he gives priority to qualified first aiders.

We struggled with "Colin" and we are still not happy with it but we couldn't think of a better name for a psychopath. He was the youngest of the four and his partners probably reminded him of his dead mother who he almost certainly keeps in a chest freezer back home. He was short, had two left feet (amongst his large collection of body parts) and his head darted from side to side like a lizard. His haunted look suggested he might have forgotten to switch the freezer on.

"Ike" was short for "I can't believe my luck at being employed alongside this bunch of losers". He was not particularly good looking and was not a particularly good dancer but, as Fred Olsen had set the bar spectacularly low in these areas, he was the cat anticipating shed loads of cream. He was methodically working his way through the field - determined not to be seduced by the first glimpse of an arthritic ankle. He looked, like a child at Christmas, unsure of which present to open first.

So now you know their names you can join us in a toast. Four men who are on five week mission to boldly go where no man has been for some time. Raise your glasses to - "The Balmoral Gigolos".

Dave x